Ask Kelli: Parenting Teens, Who is the Parent here?
This post was originally written in 2012 – now, I have a 15 year old, almost 13 year old, and 8 year old. The oldest is in the Autism Spectrum. Below are my tips and some experts tips on parenting disrespectful teenagers.
I am back with another “Ask Kelli” question. If you are on my newsletter, then you already know that you can email me questions and I will do my best to answer them! Be sure to put “ask Kelli” in the subject so I can find them easily.
Stephanie G. asked: How about some tips on how to get your teen to stop parenting you? From the Mom of a 17 year old girl!!
Since I am not a parent of a teen yet, I had to go to the experts for the answer to this question. 
I also don’t have girls and from what I understand, they are the world’s worst at trying to act like Mom.
To be quite honest, I was extremely disappointed in the quality of supposed “experts” that weighed in on this topic. Many didn’t come close to answering the question and others gave such silly answers that I am sure they don’t take parenting problem seriously!
So, before I get to some of the “better” answers, let me just say that I am pretty sure parenting teen girls isn’t all that different than adolescent boys. You find pregnancy tests in your child’s pockets, book bags, etc and I find bugs and lizards. LOL! No, seriously… parenting a child in the Autism Spectrum can be VERY challenging, so with that in mind, here is my advice.
1. Always remain calm! Although sometimes kids go totally “whack”, if you do also it only makes things worse. Trust me, there have been times that I have looked at my screaming child and thought, “hmmm…. you are so lucky I am a grown up!” The one they all seem to hate?
If you want to be treated like an Adult, you need to act like one. Go to your room and calm down. When you are calm, let’s try to have this conversation again.
Then, ignore them until they do as they are told. Unfortunately for them, as long as your child (no matter the age) lives under your roof, they have to follow your rules.
2. Provide a way for them to “get it out”. From a 2 year old breaking every crayon in the box, to a 7 year old kicking and screaming, to a 16 year old screaming “You Hate Me!”, they all need a way to release their insecurities, frustrations, and fears. Help your child to channel it into something productive! Turn on the music and dance to some high-stepping, bumping, music with them. Buy them a punching bag and gloves. As adults, (most of us) are able to make counting to 10 work. The others run like there is no tomorrow, go hunting, pump iron, and bake the day away. We need to release it, too!
3. Just Listen! As much as we Women think everyone that tells us something wants advice, I have learned over the years, unless they say, “What should I do?” they don’t! They just want someone to hear their frustrations without judgment. Work on this!
So, those are my tips for parenting a teenager – or any child for that matter. Let’s see what the experts have to say…
1. When the going gets tough I tell my kids, “You don’t need me to be your friend, you need me to be your mother” And then I mother them like crazy! 🙂 – Roberta P. Scrubz Natural Body Products
2. “Bake a lot! Their wise little mouths will be too busy crunching on brownies to deliver any coherent verbal smack downs.” ~ Tracey L Pacelli, Teen Author, www.Timewarped.net
3. “Point to the adult. Point to the child under 18.” – Source not given
4. I believe in teamwork.
T-teach respect, for you get what you expect.
E-engage in continual open communication.
A-acknowledge good behaviors.
M-make time to have fun with your teenager.
As always, “together, everyone achieves, more!”(TEAM) Ali I. Champion Parenting, Inc.
5. “If all your kids ever hear is “Don’t!”; when it comes to their dreams they won’t.”
~Ann Morgan James Author of How to Raise a Millionaire
6. If respect from your teenager is the what you yearn, then the first step must be Listening to Learn.” ~Ann Morgan James Author of How to Raise a Millionaire
7. During adolescence many teens attempt to claim their independence in a disrespectful way. Be sure to encourage your teen’s self-expression while holding to your expectations for respectful language, tone of voice, and body posture. Dr. Fran Walsh – Author of The Self-Aware Parent. www.DrFranWalfish.com
Parenting teenagers is a tough job, boys or girls. Thank you for sharing your tips and advice with Idea Box Link Party! – Christy
Much is considered and discussing the crimes committed through
the aborigines from the white man, but it has to be remembered that
this blacks were given great provocation. Not only does a digger know
that it is quite possible he might find a great deal of gold with little or no trouble, but, worse still, he knows he might work quite
difficult without getting any gold at all. After debating the matter and being in the opinion that this Government had no power
to reimburse, they submitted the situation to the
Crown Law Office because of their decision.
This is getting a bit more sujvtceibe, but I much prefer the Zune Marketplace. The interface is colorful, has more flair, and some cool features like Mixview’ that let you quickly see related albums, songs, or other users related to what you’re listening to. Clicking on one of those will center on that item, and another set of neighbors will come into view, allowing you to navigate around exploring by similar artists, songs, or users. Speaking of users, the Zune Social is also great fun, letting you find others with shared tastes and becoming friends with them. You then can listen to a playlist created based on an amalgamation of what all your friends are listening to, which is also enjoyable. Those concerned with privacy will be relieved to know you can prevent the public from seeing your personal listening habits if you so choose.
Well to me Martial Arts means respect and discipline.
I have trained in different Martial arts now for well above twenty years.
I have seen lots of people appear and disappear but one
other thing that I have noticed is clearly the respect and discipline having changed those peoples perception of life.
Small children that have started which have been on the wrong side of the
tracks, always in trouble and no idea how to respect other kids.
Put them in a controlled environment with discipline and fighting and they soon start to
understand.
Martial arts is a great technique for infants and adults
to get rid of their aggression without hurting or bullying anyone.
The bride’s brother, for example, is a good photographer and it has been for some time time. It sounds obvious, but be sure your car has a good amount of petrol so that you can don’t have to stop on the way to the venue to
fill up, losing valuable time. Sometimes it
really is acceptable to re-post it with proper credit and a link back for the
source, truly you shouldn’t re-post it at all.
I am a mother of two teenage girls, 15 and 17. When they try to disrespect me, I inform them that I will not be speaking to them until they can learn some respect. I tell them that I don’t care if they don’t like what I have to say, and they are more than welcome to have their own opinion, but they WILL respect me, whether they are 15 or 40. Usually that is responded to with stomping and yelling, but in 5 minutes it’s all better.
I’m a Parenting Coach who specializes in teens and your 3 suggestions were ideal!!! I’d have put Listening as #1 though. Listening is a skill not many master. Teens need you to listen to understanding, not just to gather information to use for lecturing. That’s super important and they’re very intolerant of being bossed around. That’s only because they’re turning into adults and how many of us like being bossed around.
Nuff said for now, could go on for hours about teens :). They’re my favourite age group by far, find them absolutely fascinating and always learn something from them.
Lisa.
I have been a pediatrician for many years and have seen and advised hundreds if not thousand of families. I agree, the parent needs to remember she/he is the parent. And like you suggest, he/she does not need a teenager for a friend, just like the teen does not and should not have a parent for a friend. That said let me make a couple of suggestions. There are more on my blog: http://www.messengersindenim.org.
Parenting teens start when they are born. Teach these things first, even todlers need to know an adult is in charge.
Teach “sit, stay, stop, come,” and “no” by age of 18 months. A pre-schooler who knows how to sit is happy listening to a story, reading a book later as a child, and doing home work years later. He/she does not need a TV to entertain him/herself.
Kids who know what stay and come mean will be safer than those whose parents don’t know enough about these tasks to teach them. These simple things are fun to teach and fun to learn! If we don’t teach them to come, they will be lost for a long time and think that it is fun to hide from a parent or sitter.
Your article is a delight to read. Full of sound information and charm. Keeping one’s sense of humor is essential when parenting a teen!
As mom of two now college daughters – and second of five girls myself – I am going to pipe in for the importance of retiring the drama queens title here. EQ merits from the same practice as IQ. Young girls sticking their necks out and making mistakes are the reason big girls are often the ones others go to when they want emotional comfort. Best thing a mom can do for her boys and girls is affirm the importance of the educational curve because – to modify a Rachel (friends) line ” it does matter and it does happen to everyone!” Hugs!
First I have to say I love your opening disclaimer….I am also a parent of a boy. I always joke that God knew what he was doing when he gave me a boy because I would have killed a girl. You girl moms have it rough. So much drama! I am glad I have a boy…that said, Kelli, I love your three pieces of advice. The other thing I would say is the following…make sure your listening is effective. Make sure it is both active and empathetic. When you add those two listening styles together, you get powerful effective listening. Then you can ask the following questions:
1. What do you want? This is the most important question. This is where you are listening to learn. Using reflective listening skills; parrot back to them what you heard. You do this for two reasons. Firstly, you want to make sure you heard them correctly. Secondly, you want to help them clarify and understand exactly what they want. What is the final outcome they are seeking?
2. What are you doing to get it? (Note: “it” refers to “what your child wants”.) This question helps your child look at what they are doing. Are they part of the problem or the solution? Is what they are doing contributing to the problem? You are gently—gently—exploring their current actions at this step.
3. Is it working? This question helps to shed light on the status of their current efforts. Is what they are currently doing to fix the problem working? Truth is, the chances are if it was working they would not be coming to you, so the expected answer here is “No”.
4. Do you want to figure out another way? Can I help you figure out another way? These questions are asked more as a way of getting permission for you to offer a solution. Before they will listen to your suggestions, they have to want to hear them.
That’s my two cents! Ok…so it was a quarter!!! Happy Day all!
A familiar situation. Thanks for the post! Very nice and useful blog you have!
This is some great advice even tho you don’t have a teen yet. I think that some people just have an innate ability to know what to do (even if they haven’t experienced it themselves). I like all those quotes from other people too 🙂 I agree that listening to your teen and showing that you actually care about them can go a long way. And yes you’re supposed to be a mother first, but it is possible to be a mother and a friend, as long as there are boundaries and that the kid knows the difference 🙂
~Lisha
A very entertaining (and enlightening) post. I have bookmarked this site.