3 Boys And A Dog » Teachable Moments

A TEACHABLE MOMENT JULY 2010

Momof3boys — Thu, 01 Jul 2010 15:00:00 +0000

This Teachable Moment fits perfectly for very busy summers and as we are thinking about the upcoming school year! Dr. Susan give us some fabulous advice for balancing your child’s time. ~Kelli

By: Dr. Susan Bartell

Scheduling Your Child’s Time: A Balancing Act

If you’re like me, the beginning of the summer is spent planning how your child’s fall schedule will look. If we wait until the very last minute, the dance and gymnastics classes will fill up, the good Little League coach’s team will be complete; and the carpools will have already been organized—without us in them. So unless you have taken care of all these things in the spring (and if you have, I envy you!), at least part of the summer is spent planning for the fall. Which brings me to my next thought…how much organized activity is necessary and healthy for kids?

It is definitely important to encourage extra-curricular activities. Too much downtime is inevitably spent watching TV, playing on the computer and bickering with siblings. In addition, it is important for kids to learn how to balance mandatory activities like homework, chores, religious education and tooth brushing with elective, fun activities. It is also critical for kids to work on the skill of follow-through. Kids and teens should be exposed to new experiences in order to broaden their horizons. When they learn multiple sports, try different instruments, plays in a chess club, they learn that one can stretch both body and your brain and perhaps find a true passion.

While creating a fall schedule for your child that encourages extracurricular exploration, it is also important to keep in mind that for all children, there is a fine line between enough activity and too much! If you follow the five steps below you can be confident that you will strike exactly the right balance:

Your child should have only one regular after-school activity on a given day (this includes mandatory activities like religious education). On a weekend day, it’s okay to have one mandatory activity (like religious school) and one fun activity (like soccer practice), as long as your child is happy about it.
The majority of elementary school age children or younger should not be formally committed to an activity more than two weekdays and one weekend day per week. Even kids who want to participate in an organized activity more often should be discouraged. They don’t realize that they are likely to ‘burn out’ physically and emotionally. The rare child will become professional or go to the Olympics!
Most kids can use one weekday off from any formal activities—usually Friday is a good day for this–so they have time to play with friends.
Younger kids should have activities scheduled right after school, so they aren’t tired and already settled in at home.
Once signed up for an activity, a child should be strongly encouraged not to miss a practice or session. It is important for kids to learn that they have a commitment to a team, that follow-through is important and that activities cost money. Therefore, except for truly extenuating circumstances, complaints of “I’m tired, can I skip this week” or “I don’t like this can I quit”, should be met with, “You need to stick it out until the end of the semester and then we can reconsider.”

Dr. Susan Bartell is a nationally recognized child psychologist, speaker and award-winning author. Her latest book is The Top 50 Questions Kids Ask. You can learn more about Dr. Bartell at www.drsusanbartell.com

A Teachable Moment: June 2010

Momof3boys — Tue, 01 Jun 2010 13:00:00 +0000

Summer Exploration

Dr. Susan Bartell

The summer is great when you’re a kid. The stressful weeks of school have been left far behind and autumn’s cold and dreary days seem like they’re still forever away. Each sunny moment is an opportunity for something new—an interesting shell on the beach; a new friend at the park; a delicious ice-cream flavor. The summer is a time for exploring.

In addition to being fun, exploring is an important task of childhood. By becoming a detective, a child learns that one must look beyond the obvious “big picture” to see the world as interesting and complex. Developing the ability to explore with an open and inquisitive mind—to analyze situations, objects and places—is a skill that will carry a child far beyond the fun of the playground and into a successful adult life.

It is important for you to provide opportunities for your child to explore—and summer is the perfect time. Encourage digging holes on the beach by making sure you remember to bring the shovel. Invite exploration in the playground by leaving ample time to play. Ensure bicycles and their safety equipment are accessible and ready to go. Your enthusiasm and patience (rather than frustration or boredom) will support your child’s desire to question and learn. At home, adventures can be found in baking or homegrown scientific experiments with soap, water, clay and…just ask your young explorer! Summer days are perfect for ‘science’ when patios or driveways can be hosed down afterwards!

Exploring need not be reserved for playful detective work! Trying new foods is a type of exploration—a venturing into unknown and for many children, scary territory. However, the summer is a great time for widening a child’s palate. For one thing, it is less stressful, having left behind the “hurry up and eat, we’ll be late for school, homework or bed.” There are also so many great foods to try—fruits, BBQs and picnic foods all seem tastier and more fun in the summer. So, invite your child to explore a rainbow of summer foods—make it tempting by cutting them into interesting designs or serving them in fun ways. Invite neighbors to a picnic in the backyard—new foods taste better on colorful paper plates while sitting under a tree, especially when other kids are eating them too—peer pressure can work wonders when it comes to exploring foods.

Some children are born explorers. For others, the idea of venturing out of their comfort zone doesn’t seem like fun, it feels overwhelming. Sometimes a child is left behind by the others who want to explore—especially when the park, pool and beach are calling out for adventure. A reluctant explorer may need a boost from you to get over fear. Also, ask yourself if you’re contributing to his or her anxiety by conveying your own worries about straying too far, getting hurt or becoming dirty. If so, you’ll want to keep this in check so your child can become a more confident explorer—while still being safe of course!

Igniting interest in creative exploration is a gift you can give your child that will burn brightly long into adulthood. So get out your favorite walking shoes, your digging stick and your magnifying glass and get ready to explore!

A Teachable Moment ™ May 2010

Momof3boys — Tue, 04 May 2010 13:00:00 +0000

A little bit of Mother’s Day all year round

By: Dr. Susan Bartell

Mother’s Day comes but once a year. Too bad, because for many moms it is the only time they don’t feel guilty sleeping late, eating breakfast in bed and not doing the dishes (if they’re really lucky!)

But, it doesn’t have to be this way! In fact, Mother’s Day is an opportunity to begin teaching your child that being generous, not just with gifts, but with time, effort and heart, is an important part of growing up into a great adult. The key is to continue teaching this lesson all year along. Once you are successful, the bonus for you is a little extra down time, more help with chores and receiving greater appreciation for all that you give your child.

Step one: Recognize that requiring your child to accomplish regular chores is good for her. Being a mom doesn’t require you to do all the household work! Participating in age-appropriate chores (taking into account time constraints given school and other commitments) teaches responsibility. It should not be tied to receiving an allowance: you don’t get paid to wash the dishes, neither should your child.

Step two: Teach your child to give you a break sometimes! For example, get a babysitter and go out. Do not give up your plans even if your child complains or has a tantrum. Remind him that you need time to ‘play’ just like he does, and that he will be fine for a while without you. As long as you have good childcare, you have no reason to feel guilty, regardless of his behavior. Soon he will learn that being a good mom sometimes means that you will not always give in to his demands for your time.

Step three: Help your child become more appreciative of everything you do for her. Children (especially teens) are naturally self-involved, but yours can still learn to be more sensitive and grateful. Start by making a point of soliciting a ‘thank-you’ from your child when you help her with something (homework, solving a problem, accomplishing a task etc.), buy her anything—no matter how small the price, or in any other situation that requires appreciation. In addition, model appreciation by thanking your child whenever appropriate.

Step four: The final and trickiest step in this process—ask for what you need from your child. He will only learn to be a giving, loving and generous person if he is clear about what he needs to do in order to meet your expectations—so tell him. For example, if you would like your child to ask you how your day was (rather than you only asking him about his day), then tell him, remind him until it becomes a habit, and then thank him when he does it. Ask for what you want without being critical, fighting or yelling and always have a practical solution at hand that you can offer your child.

By consistently following these steps, not only will you start to see your child become more caring and giving all year round, but soon you will find that Mother’s Day isn’t the only time that you get help with the dishes!

Dr. Susan Bartell is America’s #1 Family Psychologist. Her latest book is The Top 50 Questions Kids Ask. You can learn more about her at www.drsusanbartell.com

A Teachable Moment ™ April 2010

Momof3boys — Thu, 01 Apr 2010 13:43:00 +0000

By: Dr. Susan Bartell

A Healthier World: One Child At A Time

On April 7, 2010, World Health Day once again reminds us to value our health and turn our attention to the health of those in the world around us. It is not always easy to do all that we must to be healthy, and it can be even more challenging to think about the health of others—people we may not even know. However, the truth is, we are all connected. We live in one world, so our health—our global health—is in all our hands.

As a parent—or any adult that touches the life of a child—World Health Day is an opportunity to teach children that every small step counts. By acting locally in your own small part of the world to become healthier, create a healthier and safer environment, and influence others to do the same, the world will become a healthier place—a little at a time.

There are many ways to encourage a child to recognize the importance of her own health as well as to see the significance of having a healthy community—both local and global. While it may be impossible to teach these all at one time, you can enforce a few basic ideas and build from there. Once you start, your child will be equipped to continue the fight for a healthier world:

· Give your child all immunizations. Your child may be anxious or upset, however, make it clear that these are necessary to prevent serious illnesses. No apologies are needed, nor are bribes. Your child needs to know that immunizations are a gift, not a punishment.

· Enforce the use of ALL safety equipment and supervision. This includes helmets for all sports, knee and elbow pads, nets around trampolines and lifeguards. Don’t give in to peer pressure to look cool without equipment.

· Teach and reinforce basic hygiene for daily living. Tooth brushing, showering, hair washing and hand washing are a must! You’d be surprised how often you need to check to make sure a child is actually completing all of these with adequate frequency—even through adolescence! The absolute best way to prevent the spread of disease is through simple cleanliness.

· Talk frankly with your child about the dangers of cigarettes, alcohol, drugs and unprotected sex. Frequent, small conversations that are a part of your daily life are far more effective than one ‘big talk’. Begin with age-appropriate chats as young as six or seven-years old (discuss the dangers of cigarettes at this age).

· Encourage donating money to a reputable health cause. Help your child research an organization to which he would like to donate money. It may feel more meaningful if it is a children’s cause (like feeding or educating children, or funding children’s cancer research). Then consider ways to raise money to donate to the cause you choose.

· Become greener. The more you recycle and re-use—and teach your child to do the same—the healthier your local environment will become. Teach your child that as each of us chooses to live a greener life, the impact on everyone’s health will be positive–now, and for many years to come.

Dr. Susan Bartell is America’s #1 Family Psychologist. Her latest book is The Top 50 Questions That Kids Ask. You can learn more about her on her website at www.drsusanbartell.com

A Teachable Moment ™ March 2010

Momof3boys — Tue, 02 Mar 2010 17:00:00 +0000

Sometimes it is Okay to NOT Answer Your Child’s Question!

By: Dr. Susan Bartell

I recently received a distraught call:

“My daughter wants to know if the Easter Bunny is real. I don’t want to lie, but I don’t want to spoil her fun.”

Parents confront the dilemma of how much ‘truth’ to divulge with questions at every stage of development: “Do you promise you’ll never die?”; “Did you drink smoke when you were a kid?”; “Am I fat?”

You might be surprised to learn that there are no clear-cut answers. Despite the fact that being truthful with your child is important, there are times when not being fully honest is a better idea.

There are two main reasons that honesty isn’t always the best policy. The first is that knowing the truth about a topic can sometimes be more emotionally harmful for a child than not knowing (ex: the real reason for divorce is due to serious infidelity). The second is that a child may not be emotionally ready to learn a truth (ex: particular holiday traditions like the one above).

There is no ‘right’ age at which a child should know the truth about any subject. In fact, when interviewing hundreds of parents for my book series, The Top 50 Questions Kids Ask, I discovered that some questions asked by five-year olds are asked by ten-year olds—each child is different, even in one family!

So, how do you know when to be honest and when to stretch the truth? I offer you a simple formula: Ask yourself the following two ‘test questions’. If your answer to both is ‘yes’, you should answer truthfully. If your answer to either one is ‘no’ or ‘I’m not sure’, I recommend stretching the truth, perhaps only temporarily until your child is older:

Will answering the question truthfully definitely be emotionally beneficial to your child?
Do you think your child really wants to know the true answer?

It may take time and sometimes consultation with a parenting psychologist or counselor to fully answer these two questions, but don’t feel compelled to respond to your child’s question until you are satisfied that you understand the impact of your response.

Here’s a question to illustrate:

Eight-year old Emily asked her mom, Lisa: “Am I fat?” Before responding, Lisa thought about the two test questions. She was concerned that Emily (who was overweight) would be very upset if she responded by simply saying “Yes, Emily, you are fat.” She also wasn’t sure that Emily was really ready to hear the truth. Yet, Lisa saw Emily’s question as an opportunity to begin a conversation about Emily’s weight, so she responded as follows:

“Emily, I’m glad you asked that question because it means you’re thinking about your health. Compared to some other kids your age you probably are a bit heavier. I bet if we start to make some changes as a family—to eat healthier and exercise—you will start feeling better about your body.”

Each time your child asks a challenging question—ask yourself the test questions. You will soon see that responding to your child in a way that meets his or her emotional needs is far more important than just giving a straight answer!

Dr. Susan Bartell is America’s #1 Family Psychologist. Her latest book is The Top 50 Questions That Kids Ask. You can learn more about her on her website at www.drsusanbartell.com

A Teachable Moment February 2010

Momof3boys — Tue, 02 Feb 2010 16:02:00 +0000

Don’t Let Your Child Give Up so Close to Success

Dr. Susan Bartell

The other day I was at the ice skating rink dropping off my daughter for her figure skating lesson and I saw a young girl—about 8-years old—come off the ice in tears.

“I can’t do it!” she cried to her mother, who was watching closely from the sidelines, holding an infant. “I’ve tried and tried and I keep falling!”

“I’ve been watching, and you have been trying hard,” replied the mother, wiping away her daughter’s tears. “But if you give up now—just before you get it—you’ll never learn to skate! Even the best skaters in the world fall. In fact, the only way you learn anything is by making mistakes and continuing to try and try! So now, go back out on the ice and try again. I’m going to watch you and I bet this time you will fall even less than you did before.”

As the little girl went back out onto the ice, waving to her mom and baby brother, I felt like jumping up and cheering for that mother!

She had just taught her child one of life’s most important lessons: Don’t give up on yourself!

There are many opportunities to teach your child this lesson, but it is possible that you will miss them, if you don’t look for them. Places to look for opportunities to teach your child not give up on himself include:

Sports with peers that may be better athletes or with a strict coach
Difficult homework assignments
Learning to play a new game or when he is losing round after round
Learning any new skill like tying laces, throwing a ball, braiding or making a sandwich

Of course, at times it can be difficult to encourage your child not to give up—especially when the going gets tough. Some kids give up easily–crying, having temper tantrums or refusing to continue with the activity. Nonetheless, it is especially important to help a child exhibiting these behaviors by encouraging him to try to succeed a little more each time. If you give in to your child’s crying or tantrum, thereby allowing him to give up, you give him the clear message that you don’t think he can succeed. If he thinks you don’t believe in him, he is much less likely to believe in his own success! However, if you show your child that you won’t give in to his negative response and that you will continue to encourage him, despite the possibility of (further) failure, you teach him the powerful lesson that not only do you believe he will ultimately succeed, but that he needs to believe in his own success as well.

With each situation in which your child pushes past the point of frustration and achieves a new accomplishment or learns a new skill, she will feel a great sense of pride, recognizing that each temporary defeat brings her one step closer to success…I won’t give up on myself!

Dr. Susan Bartell is America’s #1 Family Psychologist. Her latest book is Dr. Susan’s Fit and Fun Family Action Plan. You can learn more about her on her website at www.drsusanbartell.com

This is a monthly column written by Dr Susan Bartell for my blog as well as several other media outlets (Magazines & Newspapers).

A Teachable Moment January 2010

Momof3boys — Tue, 05 Jan 2010 17:00:00 +0000

Raising The Kid of the Decade

Dr. Susan Bartell

It’s a new decade and if you’re like me, milestone years get you thinking…how do I want my child to grow up over the next decade and beyond? What key tools should I give my child to ensure that he becomes a caring, self-sufficient, courteous and industrious member of the community?

In my twenty plus years working with children and parents and also raising three kids, I have discovered that there are there are four critical life skills each child should develop. I hope you too will be impressed with their importance in your child’s character development. If you model these behaviors and help your child achieve them, the result will be a confident, well-behaved, happy child, and then a young adult who respects you, whom others respect and who is able to achieve great success.

Frustration Tolerance is a crucial life skill to impart. You must say ‘no’ and follow through; set limits and stick to them; not give in to whining and tantrums. Young children must learn to sleep in their own beds, without extensive intervention. Teaching your child to soothe herself is a key to learning frustration tolerance. Older children must learn that they won’t get everything they want: some things will be deferred, others they may never receive. This is not deprivation; rather, it is your duty to teach your child to cope with not having his every demand met. You should role-model frustration tolerance by being patient on long lines, not yelling frequently at your child or others, and by striving until you achieve a goal.

Teach your child compassion for others, which can be done in many different ways. Ensure that your child says ‘I’m sorry’ when he injures someone or hurts their feelings—even by accident. Help him take responsibility for his own behavior by making sure you role model this. Make giving to charity an important part of your family life —by donating time or money. Look for other opportunities to make compassionate behavior a priority for your family.

Regardless of socioeconomic level, every child needs to learn the value of hard work and money. In elementary school, begin teaching your child to take pride in his work product by selectively praising your child’s artwork, and schoolwork, only when it truly reflects effort. It’s fine to tell your child that next time he should work harder. Your child will learn the value of money if you give her an allowance and then enforce the use of it to purchase items she desires, rather than buying them for her. As she gets older, increase the allowance and its spending power, while reducing your contribution to her spending. This is how she will learn to budget and save.

Finally, your child must learn to respect others. As early as possible, teach your child to say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’, to write thank you notes and to show all other forms of appreciation —enforce these niceties in every single situation, even with family members. Insist on polite behavior in public places. Role model this by removing your child when he doesn’t behave politely (even if it inconveniences you). Before entering a situation, advise your child of a consequence for inappropriate behavior and then follow through. Have zero tolerance for bullying, rudeness, hitting, punching or kicking—whether your child does this to you or anyone else. Enforce immediate consequences.

If you use the next decade to teach your child these four life skills, there is little doubt that he or she will become a young adult who will enter the world with confidence and in whom you will take great pride.

Dr. Susan Bartell is America’s #1 Family Psychologist. Her latest book is Dr. Susan’s Fit and Fun Family Action Plan. You can learn more about her on her website at www.drsusanbartell.com

A Teachable Moment ™ December 2009

Momof3boys — Tue, 01 Dec 2009 16:00:00 +0000

Don’t let the holiday season pass you by!

By Dr. Susan S. Bartell

Are you already feeling too exhausted to shop for gifts and plan a holiday meal?…Are you yelling at your kids more than you’d like and it’s only the beginning of December? Are the ‘jolly’, smiling people around you getting on your last nerve because you’re feeling overworked with not enough time to juggle your regular life along with the long list of holiday related errands and preparations?

If this sounds like you, you’re not alone! You’re suffering from a case of what I call the Holiday Humdrums (or Ho Hums for short!) In fact, believe it or not, even kids experience the Ho Hums, when they are overtired, overwhelmed or over stimulated.

It’s easy to get caught up in the Ho Hums. We are inundated with party invitations, long shopping lists, events to plan, and a nagging feeling that we’re supposed to be ‘joyous’, when we’re just not quite feeling it. The pressure to be in the ‘holiday spirit’ can be overwhelming and upsetting, particularly if you really want to feel the way the media tells you that you should be feeling at this time of the year!

Well…I have a cure for the Ho Hums! If you take the following 4 straightforward steps you will be able to enjoy the holidays without feeling stressed, overwhelmed and exhausted. You will also find that the true meaning of the season will come clearly into focus, giving you that feeling of happiness and joy for which you have been searching. Of course, if you’re feeling happier and more relaxed, so will your kids!

1. Have realistic expectations. The hype of the holiday season is created and driven in large part by the media and retail industries, both of which are interested in selling their products (advertising space and gifts). In the real world, it is almost impossible to have a holiday as perfect as any you see on TV or in a store display. If you don’t expect it, you won’t be disappointed. Children will have meltdowns, finances will limit gifts and Educate your child about the difference between hype and reality as well.

2. Mark the true meaning of the holiday. Remember, and remind your child of the true spiritual reasons for celebrating this season. The gifts are secondary—really and truly! Resist the urge to make them the main event and your child will too. When your spiritual self is uplifted, everything else follows.

3. Sleep enough. Resist the urge to attend (and take your child to) every single party. In addition, don’t be the last to leave. DVR holiday shows and movies that are on late at night. Making sure you and your child get enough sleep, is critical for getting you through the season happily (sleep deprivation is associated with depression and grouchiness) and healthily (it is also associated with illness).

4. Give more than you get. Economically, this is a tough holiday season for many. However, no matter what your position, you will feel enriched if you donate—money, time, emotional support, a place at your dinner table—to someone else. This is the core of the holidays. Live it and teach it to your children.

Dr. Susan Bartell is America’s #1 Family Psychologist. Her latest book is Dr. Susan’s Fit and Fun Family Action Plan. You can learn more about her on her website at www.drsusanbartell.com

This is a monthly column written by Dr Susan Bartell for my blog as well as several other media outlets (Magazines & Newspapers). I was super excited when she offered to include my blog in her column!

A Teachable Moment ™ December 2009

Momof3boys — Tue, 01 Dec 2009 16:00:00 +0000

Don’t let the holiday season pass you by!

By Dr. Susan S. Bartell

Dr. Susan Bartell is America’s #1 Family Psychologist. Her latest book is Dr. Susan’s Fit and Fun Family Action Plan. You can learn more about her on her website at www.drsusanbartell.com

A Teachable Moment ™ November 2009

Momof3boys — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 16:00:00 +0000

Thankful for Small Things: Dr. Susan Bartell

November marks the official beginning of the ‘Holiday Season’…that time of year when commercialism kicks into super-high gear, and those of us who care have to work hard to remember, and remind our kids of the true meaning of the holidays (Mom, you mean it’s not about how many gifts I get?!)

November is also a month that reminds us to be thankful each year, even now during leaner, tougher times…when we may not be feeling overly optimistic.

However, the truth is that you can always find parts of your life for which to be thankful. Indeed, it is important to focus your energy on these positive aspects of your daily existence because these will carry you through the tough times. In fact, research shows that people who are more positive and optimistic are–by far–less stressed, and are better able to cope with difficult times than those who focus primarily on the negative parts of life.

In addition, when you are thankful, positive and optimistic, you actually role model these traits and behaviors for your child. Did you know that a child is able to learn to be positive and optimistic—and actually be inoculated against depression–by behaving in the same positive, optimistic way a parent behaves? Really! Thankful, positive feelings and behavior are that powerful!

So how do you start being thankful even if you’re not in the mood? Begin, by feeling thankful for your child (or children) and go from there. But wait…don’t focus on the nagging, whining, or bickering. Instead, when you’re concentrating on being thankful, pay attention to the hugs and kisses, to the curiosity and learning and to the independence and determination that your child displays each day. Even on my worst days, if I focus on appreciating the three beautiful children growing up in front of my eyes, it’s difficult not to be thankful!

Next, make a list of the qualities and traits about yourself that you appreciate and value. Are you friendly, smart, loyal, hardworking, nurturing? Write as many of these down as you can. Add to the list as often as possible. Carry the list with you and read it often. Begin to be thankful for yourself and your ability to bring immense value to your own life, the life of your child and the other people whose lives you touch!

Last, aside from being a role model for your child, show her how to be thankful. Thankfulness is like a muscle—to be strong, it requires a little heavy lifting. Teach your child to be thankful and appreciative for the small and big things in his life. Begin by making sure he says ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ every time, to every person in every situation. This may seem trivial, but it’s not! It teaches your child to be thankful for gifts; to be appreciative when someone holds open the door; to value a friend’s hard work at preparing a meal; and to be grateful when you buy her a new pair of sneakers.

This is a great start. Now keep going! Before long you and your child will recognize that there are so many things for which to be thankful, that you will be uplifted in the true spirit of the Holiday Season!

Dr. Susan Bartell is America’s #1 Family Psychologist. Her latest book is Dr. Susan’s Fit and Fun Family Action Plan. You can learn more about her on her website at www.drsusanbartell.com

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