Sometimes it is Okay to NOT Answer Your Child’s Question!
By: Dr. Susan Bartell
I recently received a distraught call:
“My daughter wants to know if the Easter Bunny is real. I don’t want to lie, but I don’t want to spoil her fun.”
Parents confront the dilemma of how much ‘truth’ to divulge with questions at every stage of development: “Do you promise you’ll never die?”; “Did you drink smoke when you were a kid?”; “Am I fat?”
You might be surprised to learn that there are no clear-cut answers, but they can make a great teachable moment. Despite the fact that being truthful with your child is important, there are times when not being fully honest is a better idea.
There are two main reasons that honesty isn’t always the best policy. The first is that knowing the truth about a topic can sometimes be more emotionally harmful for a child than not knowing (ex: the real reason for divorce is due to serious infidelity). The second is that a child may not be emotionally ready to learn a truth (ex: particular holiday traditions like the one above).
There is no ‘right’ age at which a child should know the truth about any subject. In fact, when interviewing hundreds of parents for my book series, The Top 50 Questions Kids Ask, I discovered that some questions asked by five-year olds are asked by ten-year olds—each child is different, even in one family!
So, how do you know when to be honest and when to stretch the truth? I offer you a teachable moment simple formula: Ask yourself the following two ‘test questions’. If your answer to both is ‘yes’, you should answer truthfully. If your answer to either one is ‘no’ or ‘I’m not sure’, I recommend stretching the truth, perhaps only temporarily until your child is older:
- Will answering the question truthfully definitely be emotionally beneficial to your child?
- Do you think your child really wants to know the true answer?
It may take time and sometimes consultation with a parenting psychologist or counselor to fully answer these two questions, but don’t feel compelled to respond to your child’s question until you are satisfied that you understand the impact of your response.
Here’s a question to illustrate:
Eight-year old Emily asked her mom, Lisa: “Am I fat?” Before responding, Lisa thought about the two test questions. She was concerned that Emily (who was overweight) would be very upset if she responded by simply saying “Yes, Emily, you are fat.” She also wasn’t sure that Emily was really ready to hear the truth. Yet, Lisa saw Emily’s question as an opportunity to begin a conversation about Emily’s weight, so she responded as follows:
“Emily, I’m glad you asked that question because it means you’re thinking about your health. Compared to some other kids your age you probably are a bit heavier. I bet if we start to make some changes as a family—to eat healthier and exercise—you will start feeling better about your body.”
Each time your child asks a challenging question—ask yourself the teachable moment test questions. You will soon see that responding to your child in a way that meets his or her emotional needs is far more important than just giving a straight answer!
Dr. Susan Bartell is America’s #1 Family Psychologist. Her latest book is The Top 50 Questions That Kids Ask. You can learn more about her on her website at www.drsusanbartell.com
About Kelli
This is such a great post filled with helpful info! My son has recently been asking about death and I’m honestly flustered when he comes straight out and asks me if I’m going to die. I try to be truthful with him to a degree but it frightens him.
I may need to pick up a copy of this book!
Thank you for stopping by my blog the other day…hope you’ll be back again soon!
.-= Helene´s last blog ..The reason I’ve been absent… =-.
@Helene,
Hi Helene! I reviewed advanced copies of both books (not on my blog) and am hoping to review the final copies. I highly recommend the advanced ones anyway.
What I love about that last scenario is that mom was in truth completely honest with her child. I mean really would we ever say yes you are fat to anyone? Of course not. But mom did not simply say no and not deal with the issue either – she dealt with it head on. I try to always give my children honest answers. Albeit age appropriate ones.
.-= Upstatemomof3´s last blog ..This Is Good For A Laugh =-.
@Upstatemomof3,
It is really a great set of books and Dr Susan is always spot on!
I agree with what she wrote but I would answer her question with a question.
If Emily says, Am I fat?
I would ask her why she is asking me. Was it a comment from school? a sibling? TV? What is influencing her to think this way and then approach the situation positively.
I had this scenario come up before Christmas this past year. My 10 year old son was quizzing me about the reality of Santa Claus. My husband said, “You just wait. The instant you tell him that little brain is going to start churning and then it’s about the Easter Bunny… Tooth Fairy…”
For me, since it was about the fact that it wasn’t FUN for me anymore because he wasn’t buying into the whole fairy tale of it all, it really — at that point — WAS a lie. It wasn’t fun. His entire purpose in life was to PROVE that Santa was fake. Well, he has a 5 year old brother that I was really worried that he’d spoil the fun for so I did tell him… standing in the kitchen while we were making cookies together. We studied the history of Christmas… St. Nicholas and how to keep the SPIRIT of Christmas alive and that is what we ALL do by letting our children believe in the fantasy of him. And then I told him how it was now HIS burden to bear the secret and to perpetuate it in our family. I even let HIM pick out his little brother’s presents from Santa this year so that he really WAS in on the fun.
After our talk, he told me that he was glad that I told him. And then you know what he did? That sweet child THANKED ME for being such a great Santa over the years.
.-= April Driggers´s last blog ..What’s Up Wednesday??? =-.
I’m always amazed at some of the questions my son asks. And totally unprepared for them at times.
This advice is great! I think it’s so important to be honest with my child, but also to keep in mind their reaction to my answers and the reasons behind the questions. I usually use the “tough” questions as a jumping off point to discuss whatever the topic is.
.-= Staci A´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday: Discovery =-.
Ooooo that is a tough one! When to tell your kids about easter bunnies, santa, etc…the tooth fairy. It is such a fun part of being a kid, so I say don’t spoil it right away, but if all the kids at school are already saying it is fake, then I think the truth is better then.
.-= Vic´s last blog ..Japanese Hair Straightening =-.